Nonviolent COMMUNICATION : A Language of Life

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What is Violent Communication?

If "violent" means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate --judging others, bullying, having racial bias, blaming, finger pointing, discriminating, speaking without listening, criticizing others or ourselves, name-calling, reacting when angry, using political rhetoric, being defensive or judging who's "good/bad" or what's "right/wrong" with people-- could indeed be called "violent communication."

What is Nonviolent Communication? Nonviolent Communication is the integration of four things:

* Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity

* Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance

* Communication: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even in disagreement, and how to move toward solutions that work for all

* Means of influence: sharing "power with others" rather than using "power over others"

Nonviolent Communication serves our desire to do three things:

* Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, and connection

* Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships

* Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit

Author Notes

Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD (1934-2015) founded and was for many years the Director of Educational Services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, an international peacemaking organization. During his life he authored fifteen books, including the bestselling Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (PuddleDancer Press), which has sold more than one million copies worldwide and has been translated into more than 30 languages, with more translations in the works.

Dr. Rosenberg has received a number of awards for his Nonviolent Communication work including:

2014: Champion of Forgiveness Award from the Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance

2006: Bridge of Peace Nonviolence Award from the Global Village Foundation

2005: Light of God Expressing in Society Award from the Association of Unity Churches

2004: Religious Science International Golden Works Award

2004: International Peace Prayer Day Man of Peace Award by the Healthy, Happy Holy (3HO) Organization

2002: Princess Anne of England and Chief of Police Restorative Justice Appreciation Award

2000: International Listening Association Listener of the Year Award

Dr. Rosenberg first used the NVC process in federally funded school integration projects to provide mediation and communication skills training during the 1960s. The Center for Nonviolent Communication, which he founded in 1984, now has hundreds of certified NVC trainers and supporters teaching NVC in more than sixty countries around the globe. A sought-after presenter, peacemaker and visionary leader, Dr. Rosenberg led NVC workshops and international intensive trainings for tens of thousands of people in over 60 countries across the world and provided training and initiated peace programs in many war-torn areas including Nigeria, Sierra Leone, and the Middle East.

He worked tirelessly with educators, managers, health care providers, lawyers, military officers, prisoners, police and prison officials, government officials, and individual families. With guitar and puppets in hand and a spiritual energy that filled a room, Marshall showed us how to create a more peaceful and satisfying world.

Deepak Chopra

Foreword	p. xiii
Acknowledgments	p. xvii
1 Giving From the Heart	p. 1
Introduction	p. 1
A Way to Focus Attention	p. 3
The NVC Process	p. 6
Applying NVC in Our Lives and the World	p. 8
NVC in Action: "Murderer, Assassin, Child-Killer!"	p. 13
2 Communication That Blocks Compassion	p. 15
Moralistic Judgments	p. 15
Making Comparisons	p. 18
Denial of Responsibility	p. 19
Other Forms of Life-Alienating Communication	p. 22
3 Observing Without Evaluating	p. 25
The Highest Form of Human Intelligence	p. 28
Distinguishing Observations From Evaluations	p. 30
NVC in Action: "The Most Arrogant Speaker We've Ever Had!"	p. 32
Exercise 1 Observation or Evaluation?	p. 34
4 Identifying and Expressing Feelings	p. 37
The Heavy Cost of Unexpressed Feelings	p. 37
Feelings versus Non-Feelings	p. 41
Building a Vocabulary for Feelings	p. 43
Exercise 2 Expressing Feelings	p. 47
5 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings	p. 49
Hearing a Negative Message: Four Options	p. 49
The Needs at the Roots of Feelings	p. 52
The Pain of Expressing Our Needs versus the Pain of Not Expressing Our Needs	p. 55
From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation	p. 57
NVC in Action: "Bring Back the Stigma of Illegitimacy!"	p. 61
Exercise 3 Acknowledging Needs	p. 65
6 Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life	p. 67
Using Positive Action Language	p. 67
Making Requests Consciously	p. 72
Asking for a Reflection	p. 74
Requesting Honesty	p. 76
Making Requests of a Group	p. 77
Requests versus Demands	p. 79
Denning Our Objective When Making Requests	p. 81
NVC in Action: Sharing Fears About a Best Friend's Smoking	p. 85
Exercise 4 Expressing Requests	p. 88
7 Receiving Empathically	p. 91
Presence: Don't Just Do Something, Stand There	p. 91
Listening for Feelings and Needs	p. 94
Paraphrasing	p. 96
Sustaining Empathy	p. 101
When Pain Blocks Our Ability to Empathize	p. 103
NVC in Action: A Wife Connects With Her Dying Husband	p. 105
Exercise 5 Receiving Empathically versus Non-Empathically	p. 109
8 The Power of Empathy	p. 113
Empathy That Heals	p. 113
Empathy and the Ability to Be Vulnerable	p. 115
Using Empathy to Defuse Danger	p. 117
Empathy in Hearing Someone's "No!"	p. 120
Empathy to Revive a Lifeless Conversation	p. 121
Empathy for Silence	p. 123
9 Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves	p. 129
Remembering the Specialness of What We Are	p. 129
Evaluating Ourselves When We've Been Less Than Perfect	p. 130
Translating Self-Judgments and Inner Demands	p. 132
NVC Mourning	p. 132
Self-Forgiveness	p. 133
The Lesson of the Polka-Dotted Suit	p. 134
Don't Do Anything That Isn't Play!	p. 135
Translating "Have to" to "Choose to"	p. 136
Cultivating Awareness of the Energy Behind Our Actions	p. 138
10 Expressing Anger Fully	p. 141
Distinguishing Stimulus From Cause	p. 141
All Anger Has a Life-Serving Core	p. 144
Stimulus versus Cause: Practical Implications	p. 145
Four Steps to Expressing Anger	p. 148
Offering Empathy First	p. 149
Taking Our Time	p. 152
NVC in Action: Parent and Teen Dialogue A Life-Threatening Issue	p. 154
11 Conflict Resolution and Mediation	p. 161
Human Connection	p. 161
NVC Conflict Resolution versus Traditional Mediation	p. 162
NVC Conflict Resolution Steps-A Quick Overview	p. 164
On Needs, Strategies, and Analysis	p. 165
Empathy to Ease the Pain That Prevents Hearing	p. 170
Using Present and Positive Action Language to Resolve Conflict	p. 172
Using Action Verbs	p. 173
Translating "No"	p. 174
NVC and the Mediator Role	p. 175
When People Say "No" to Meeting Face to Face	p. 181
Informal Mediation: Sticking Our Nose in Other People's Business	p. 182
12 The Protective Use of Force	p. 185
When the Use of Force Is Unavoidable	p. 185
The Thinking Behind the Use of Force	p. 185
Types of Punitive Force	p. 186
The Costs of Punishment	p. 188
Two Questions That Reveal the Limitations of Punishment	p. 189
The Protective Use of Force in Schools	p. 190
13 Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others	p. 195
Freeing Ourselves From Old Programming	p. 195
Resolving Internal Conflicts	p. 196
Caring for Our Inner Environment	p. 197
Replacing Diagnosis With NVC	p. 199
NVC in Action: Dealing With Resentment and Self-Judgment	p. 204
14 Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication	p. 209
The Intention Behind the Appreciation	p. 209
The Three Components of Appreciation	p. 210
Receiving Appreciation	p. 212
The Hunger for Appreciation	p. 214
Overcoming the Reluctance to Express Appreciation	p. 215
Epilogue	p. 217
Bibliography	p. 220
Index	p. 223
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process	p. 231
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have	p. 232
About Nonviolent Communication	p. 233
About PuddleDancer Press	p. 234
About the Center for Nonviolent Communication	p. 235
Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press	p. 236
Trade Booklets From PuddleDancer Press	p. 242
About the Author	p. 244

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Table of Contents